Use DBT To Improve How You Communicate

Think about how you interact with the people in your life. Are you able to communicate your needs, say no when necessary, and set boundaries for yourself? If you answered no to any of these, don’t worry—you can use dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills to connect meaningfully with others and foster healthy, resilient relationships.

Developing interpersonal effectiveness takes time and practice: It’s a continuous process of learning and adjusting, but with effort, you can improve these skills and build stronger, more positive relationships.

Understanding Interpersonal Effectiveness

Interpersonal effectiveness refers to the skills that help you assert your needs, maintain self-respect, and develop healthy relationships. These skills aren’t naturally learned—they need to be developed through practice.

Emotions can often interfere with effective communication and relationship-building, making it challenging to interact in a way that respects both your needs and those of others. Learning to manage these emotions and apply communication skills can improve your ability to navigate relationships successfully.

The three goals of the interpersonal effectiveness module are:

Objective effectiveness: Achieve your desired outcome or goal.
Relationship effectiveness: Maintain or strengthen the quality of a relationship.
Self-respect effectiveness: Uphold your personal values and sense of self-worth.

These goals are practiced through the DBT skills of DEARMAN, GIVE, and FAST.

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DEARMAN

One of the foundational skills in DBT for objective effectiveness is DEARMAN. It simplifies the process of communicating needs and desires in a respectful manner, making it easier to manage interpersonal interactions.

Describe: Begin by clearly outlining the context of the situation. Use specific, nonjudgmental language and share the facts of the situation.
Express: Share your feelings related to the situation. Utilize “I” statements to communicate your emotions without placing blame, making it easier for others to understand your perspective.
Assert: Be direct in stating what you want or don’t want. Clarity is essential—assuming others will know what you want can lead to confusion. Ensure that you ask and do not demand what you want.
Reinforce: Highlight how fulfilling your request can create positive outcomes for the other person. This helps others recognize the benefits of cooperating with you.
(Be) Mindful: Remain focused on your objective, even if the conversation becomes challenging. Redirect the discussion back to your needs.
Appear Confident: Project confidence through body language and tone. Making eye contact, not whispering, and having good posture can reinforce your assertiveness.
Negotiate: Be open to finding a middle path. Show willingness to compromise, as this fosters collaboration and respect.

GIVE

DBT emphasizes the importance of maintaining and developing relationships through the GIVE skill. This skill emphasizes nurturing relationships to help people feel understood and connected.

(Be) Gentle: Approach discussions with kindness, even in frustration, by avoiding blaming, interrupting, attacking, or threatening.
(Act) Interested: Show genuine interest in others’ viewpoints through active listening. This can look like looking at the other person, nodding, and not multitasking.
Validate: Communicate that the other person’s emotions make sense.
Easy Manner: Try to be lighthearted and bring lightness into the conversation.

FAST

The FAST skill in DBT is used to maintain or improve self-respect. It emphasizes being truthful about issues and not compromising your values or self-worth.

(Be) Fair: Strive for a balance of validating your experience and others.
No (Over) Apologizing: Avoid unnecessary apologies for making requests or having an opinion. Excessive apologizing can damage relationships.
Stick to Your Values: Identify and stay true to your values—don’t change your values for the other person.
(Be) Truthful: Be honest in your interactions to strengthen trust and authenticity.

Watch Now

Anna Precht, PsyD, provides an overview of dialectical behavior therapy and its application.

Communicating Your Needs Effectively

When you’re communicating your needs, it’s not just about asking for what you want—it’s about using the right tools to ensure your message is heard, while still maintaining respect for yourself and others. DBT’s skills, such as DEARMAN, GIVE, and FAST, aren’t one-size-fits-all—they’re designed to adapt to your goals.

For example, if a friend repeatedly disrespects your time, you can use DEARMAN to assert your need for punctuality: “I feel upset when you’re late because it makes me feel like my time isn’t valued. Please be on time in the future.”

At the same time, GIVE helps you maintain connection by acknowledging and validating their situation: “I understand things come up, but respecting each other’s time is important to me. I value our friendship and want to make our plans work better for both of us.”

FAST ensures you maintain self-respect by asserting your boundaries without feeling guilty: “I’m committed to being on time, and I need that same respect. I can’t continue to wait around when I have other commitments.”

These skills are designed to work together, giving you a versatile toolkit to navigate communication with clarity, confidence, and authenticity.

Practical Applications in Daily Life

In practice, these tools can be used in many situations, like discussing boundaries at home or addressing a problem with a colleague. The key is consistency—practice these skills regularly, even in smaller, everyday scenarios, and over time, they will become second nature. Always remember to balance your needs with respect for others, which helps you navigate relationships more effectively and maintain healthy boundaries.

Identifying patterns of ineffective behaviors in relationships and then using DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness skills can lead to more fulfilling relationships.

Remember, using DBT skills improves with consistent practice, so be patient with yourself as you develop these important tools.

Want More Information?

Looking for even more information about dialectical behavior therapy? You may find these resources helpful.

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