Courtney Is Living and Thriving With Borderline Personality Disorder

Available with English captions.

What is it like to live with borderline personality disorder? Courtney describes her childhood and current experiences.

What Is It Like To Live With BPD?

In this session, author Courtney Cook, a participant in McLean’s Deconstructing Stigma initiative, shares her lived experience with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Courtney describes how she has experienced intense emotions throughout her life and how BPD doesn’t get in the way of experiencing joy and connection.

Watch now as Courtney shares:

  • How she personally experiences BPD symptoms
  • How she learned to manage BPD
  • Her guidance for people who live with BPD

Courtney doesn’t recall a time in her life when she didn’t experience emotional distress:

“It is sad to look back on it—being a little kid, struggling, but that was my reality, and I didn’t know anything different,” she says.

From Courtney’s earliest memories, she felt like the world was a frightening and overwhelming place.

“I was in constant fear of things,” she shares. “I really felt like the world was yelling at me.”

By the time Courtney was 9 years old, she began to experience what she now realizes was depression.

Courtney’s parents initially did not seek treatment for her as they considered her heightened emotional responses just part of her temperament. Since Courtney grew up in a loving and supportive home, she felt guilty for her distress. She swallowed her feelings and didn’t want to face them.

It was when she was in seventh grade, though, that it became clear avoidance was no longer possible.

“I felt a pervasive emptiness—a giant hole in my chest,” Courtney explains.

She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. After this first round of treatment, she believed she was healed. However, she soon realized the process would take longer and spent much of eighth grade in inpatient treatment.

“I’ve since come to terms that it was something I would have to work on for the rest of my life,” she says.

Even though Courtney’s symptoms were consistent with BPD, she was initially diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Her doctor at the time explained to Courtney and her parents that BPD symptoms can be hard to differentiate from typical adolescent behavior. Given the potential for stigma, her doctor did not want to make the diagnosis unnecessarily.

Courtney wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until she was 23 years old. When that happened, she says, she “breathed a huge sigh of relief.” Until that point, she says she was “playing a game of Whack-a-Mole,” in which she felt like she was only treating peripheral symptoms.

She would work on one symptom, only for another symptom to appear. Courtney felt disheartened and frustrated.

“With my BPD diagnosis, I can tackle the root problems, so I’m not constantly putting out fires everywhere,” she says.

Although it was a relief to know she had BPD, Courtney was disappointed when she tried to learn about the condition. Many of the books she discovered were geared toward family and friends of people with BPD. She found much of the material stigmatizing. She didn’t want other people to have that experience, so she wrote her own book, a graphic memoir about her lived experience.

“I want to fill the gap in that narrative,” she says. “The more people that are willing to share their experience, the more of an actual picture we get, rather than a characterization of just hallmark symptoms.”

Courtney wants others to understand that life with BPD doesn’t mean that every day will be hard.

“You can figure out a way—even if it’s a hard journey—to live a life that’s fulfilling and beautiful and doesn’t always feel so heavy.”

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Courtney’s Story

As she shares her experiences, Courtney answers questions about her life:

  • What are your earliest memories of any mental health challenges that you faced as a child?
  • Were you able to talk as a kid with your friends about what was going on?
  • At what point did all of this lead you and your parents to seek treatment? And what did that look like?
  • When you first went into a psychiatric hospital, were you given a diagnosis at that point?
  • As I understand your story, you actually had a conversation with somebody about BPD that prompted you to look into that as a possible diagnosis. Is that the case?
  • How did you feel receiving the diagnosis of BPD? How did you process that?
  • How would you describe your relationship with BPD today?
  • What do you want to share with parents who might be watching this right now in terms of lessons you learned from your interactions with your own parents and what helped the most along the way?
  • What do you most want people to take away from your journey as you’ve detailed it in your book?

Read more about Courtney’s story on the Deconstructing Stigma website

The information discussed is intended to be educational and should not be used as a substitute for guidance provided by your health care provider. Please consult with your treatment team before making any changes to your care plan.

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About Courtney Cook

Courtney Cook is a successful author, illustrator, and teacher who has written and spoken extensively about her journey with borderline personality disorder. Her illustrated memoir, “The Way She Feels: My Life on the Borderline in Pictures and Pieces,” was published in 2021 and offers an especially candid look at life with BPD.

Topics

Series

BPD & Self-Harm Course 2025

Mental Health Webinars